Only the beginning

Exactly two weeks ago today, I arrived back at home after spending ten weeks doing mission work in (in my opinion) the most beautiful country on this planet. Many, actually ALL of you, who have spoken to me since have asked me the same question: “How are you doing transitioning back into America?” And I have generally answered the same way each time… “Oh it’s not so bad, been an adjustment for sure but I am doing well.”

First let me say that I am truly grateful for all of you who have cared so much to ask about my trip and spent hours listening to stories of my travels around Belize. I am blessed to have such a good support system of family and friends. And I want to apologize to anyone who I have not really responded to yet about my trip because, well, it feels overwhelming and slightly impossible to describe the life changing impact this summer had on me in just a few short sentences.

To be completely honest I’m not sure I really know how to answer that question I’ve been hearing on almost a daily basis for the last two weeks. “How are you doing being back at home Shannon?”

Well...

“How AM I doing?” I ask myself.

Have I taken the time to really process what just happened these last ten weeks?

Or have I simply jumped back into my American life again like it was all a big dream that I finally woke up from in my own comfy bed on the morning of August 13^th?

The reality is that I don’t know how I am doing just yet. I don’t know how to think about Belize yet without feeling slightly lost in my emotions. I gained a family down there. I loved on people more than I’ve ever loved in my entire life. I discovered who I am in ways that I never thought possible. I was healed of some painful wounds from my past, renewed, and restored into an independent and confident woman and then thrown back into my home in the blink of an eye.

I loved it. I miss it. Sometimes so much that it really hurts.

Don’t get me wrong, I am SO grateful to be home. I love my family more than words can express and seeing them and my friends these last two weeks have lifted my spirits more and more each day. I am happy, amazed, and in love with my life here in Seattle and this is not a post that is meant to turn be a sob session.

It is just a post to express the simultaneous heartbreak I feel upon leaving the place, and people, that I fell absolutely in love with this summer.

You see it’s hard to go from a daily routine of meeting new people, making new friends, loving more children, holding more little ones, being out of my comfort zone, relying on God alone, stretching, loving, and growing back to a routine of living comfortably at home and seeing only the same faces again every day. (Amazing faces by the way!) I knew this was coming, but I didn’t know it would be so hard. After all, this was all I knew before Belize, wasn’t it? 

 But that’s just the thing. I am not the same Shannon I was before Belize. My world has expanded. New lenses have been opened in my eyes and I see things in a different light. I look at the very same places, people, and things here in Seattle and I don’t SEE the very same places, people, and things. It is amazing, yet somewhat of a struggle. I see a child walking down the street and immediately want to go pick them up and spin them around and love on them and take them home and hear all about their life. Then I remember where I am and how weird their parents might look at me if I did that…and how I don’t’ actually want to get the cops called on me any time soon. J

So this got me feeling slightly discouraged and frustrated at my own country and the social norms that dictate so much of the way we live. I felt so homesick for Belize and wished I could just go back.

“Take me back… take me back… God please take me back to Belize?” I pleaded. 

No answer.

So I did what I usually do when I’m upset and I ate chocolate (because chocolate fixes all my problems obviously!) And it’s funny, I opened my little piece of Dove chocolate and on the inside of the wrapper was printed a few encouraging words. “You are exactly where you are supposed to be,” read the wrapper. I stared at that for a minute and chuckled to myself. “Thanks you, Jesus.” I thought.

And the reality is that it’s the truth. I am EXACTLY where I am supposed to be. Right here, in Seattle, going to school, with many loved ones surrounding me and no matter how confusing it may seem at times I know it’s all a part of a bigger master plan for my life. So I am going to stop believing that I can only do the things I did in Belize…. IN Belize. Because really, I can love just as many people here, just as deeply, build just as strong relationships and rely just as much on God as I did down there. It is up to me how I want this transition to go and although I know it will still be hard at times, at least I know it will all be worth it in the end.

I had the most amazing, challenging yet rewarding, and life changing summer. I will never forget what I learned in Belize. I will never forget my new family and all my amazing friends down there. And I will go back one day FOR SURE… but until then, I will just continue to bring the love of Belize up here to Seattle. J

Thank you all so much for reading my blog this summer. Thank you for the support, I love and appreciate every one of you more than you know. This was a summer I will never, ever forget and I feel blessed to have had this opportunity at the young age of 20. I can't wait to see what the next chapter of my life will bring.

With much love from Seattle (& Belize at heart!),

Shannon